Remembering my first Christmas without my dad is always tough -- that was five years ago. At the start of that year, I had expected us to feel good enough to want to celebrate Christmas even though it wouldn't be the same anymore. By the time it rolled around we all felt worse. The previous year we had gotten my first real Christmas tree and decorated it together while my dad worked on our car in the garage; I was 10. A year later, all I had for a tree was an old tiny white Christmas tree with cheap bulbs and a star that I decorated by myself while my mom sat in the garage, defeated.
Dealing with Grief Through the Holidays
Grief during the holidays is a subject most people are scared to talk about. Holidays like Christmas or Thanksgiving are supposed to be fun and happy all the time with no room for tears, but this idea is hard to achieve for those of us still mourning the people we loved the most. We truly do not realize the presence of someone until that presence is physically gone; and by then, all we have is memories to hold on to and the grief of missing them. I skipped any photo-taking for the next two Christmases after my dad passed. Celebrating became hard because holidays consist of coming together with loved ones. My loved one was no longer here and no one in our family knew what to do.
"Grief and love bring people together regardless of their relationship."
How Does Grief Make You Feel?
For me, loneliness became the biggest struggle. Losing a person makes you push away everyone else and they in turn push away from you. Additionally, holiday festivities give you a rush of memories you’d rather be oblivious to because it seems easier to forget than to remember. It is an isolating situation because although other people may have experienced similar things, they can't feel what you are feeling at that exact moment. No one seems to understand you and even if they try, you feel like they never will.
Resentment is another feeling you go through. In the first two years after my dad’s passing, I resented every celebration that came. I wanted to skip right over them straight into the new year because bearing the pain of never having another “normal” holiday was too much. As a family, we kept pushing each other away as we tried to navigate these difficult feelings on our own.
Learning to Cope with Grief
Soon after the second year, my family realized that my dad’s passing should not be a reason to push away from each other, but instead to come closer together. Over the years, I’ve learned how to cope with all of these emotions and that it isn't completely a bad thing. I still get bouts of sadness when the holidays approach and memories rush in, but now I have a new appreciation and perspective. I now decorate the Christmas tree, not with heartache and desperation of going back to the good old days, but instead with hope, pride, and celebration for the person I loved.
Although my dad is no longer here, I can still honor him and rejoice in the amazing person that he was, for I am his daughter and that will never be taken away. To remember and celebrate this is not a way to stay in the past but a way to move forward into the future. His life still lives in the traditions I keep. I decorate the tree with a new sense of normalcy, one that involves a piece of him in everything we celebrate.
Finding Someone Who Understands
Like many students who have experienced the loss of a loved one, so do staff and teachers. I was fortunate enough to find a teacher who understood my pain. Ms. Cage, a Math and AVID teacher, took the time to speak with me about her own loss. She mentioned that bonding with people going through similar experiences helped heal part of her grief. “It takes the space of being alone, away.” She explains that it is not only sharing the memories you have from their death or from the tragedy but also the sharing of the memories you have that reflect who they were as a person so they are not forgotten.
She shares that as time goes on mourning gets easier when you have something to fill that hole. “You can have your moments where you need to just stay in bed, but then you have to break out of that because whoever your loved one is, they would want you to go on.” Looking at it from this point of view brings light in a dark time. Knowing that your loved one is cheering you on in spirit and is proud of everything you do can help cope with the idea that just because they're not here physically doesn't mean they aren't here in any other way.
For Ms. Cage and I, being able to see parts of the people we’ve lost in ourselves gives us comfort. For both of us, during the holidays when the “hole” creeps back up, cooking dishes our loved ones used to make helps fill it again. Letting the void control you prevents you from moving on. “You want to be able to live while you're here,” Ms. Cage explains.
Misconceptions About Grief
For the longest time, I viewed grief as this monster that consumed me and left me feeling isolated. I felt like an outcast for being “that one kid whose dad just passed away.” Talking with Ms. Cage helped me understand that I was never really alone. Others are experiencing the same pain and while grief is different in everyone and presents itself in different ways, grief is something normal.
Just because grief sets you apart doesn't mean you need to be apart from everyone. This is easier said than done. When I feel alone, what helps is a conversation with someone who has been through something similar and I begin to experience a connection again because feeling empathy for others is a powerful bond.
No matter what background you come from, if you are mourning in times of holiday or any cultural celebration, just know that better days are ahead.
Grief has no age. I was 11 when my dad died, but I felt just as much grief as my grandpa who was 70. There are no rules on how you should grieve, how much grief you can feel, or how much time it should take you. Everyone has the right to grieve no matter how young or old you are.
Not everyone will understand or say the right thing, including friends and family. This may make you feel alone, but the reality is that you are not. There are people out there you can turn to who may not be who you had in mind initially. Ms. Cage and I had no clue about each other's experiences but we bonded over the same love we felt for our loved ones. Grief and love bring people together regardless of their relationship.
Holding on to Hope
The phrase “moving on” can feel bad and good, all at once. Ms. Cage and I agree that it's important to move on from sadness because you can’t be sad forever. That's hard to come to terms with sometimes because feeling sad means you still love the person, so how can you stop being sad? While there are many meaningless distractions to fill that empty hole of sadness, there are also ways to use that sadness with deep meaning that incorporates and honors that person in your life.
Doing something that reminds you of them every time you do it is something you can use to express your grief in a way to better understand it, and not hide it. Your person doesn’t want you to be sad or angry; they would want you to live life and thrive. You won’t be replacing them by living life to the fullest, you will be honoring them.
No matter what background you come from, if you are mourning in times of holiday or any cultural celebration, just know that better days are ahead. Soon the memories, while painful, no longer keep you isolated, angry, or resentful, but memories become a treasure you have with your loved one that allows them to never be forgotten.
What to Do for People Who Are Grieving
While there is no right way to grieve and grief can take many shapes and forms, here are some ways to support someone you care about who is grieving:
Ask if it’s okay to talk about their loved one. Don't be afraid to approach someone who is grieving. Although it may prompt tears, it’s also terrible to feel that someone you love must forever be gone from all conversation. Also, be prepared to accept that they might not want to talk about it at that moment.
Reframe Concern. Instead of asking "How are you?” try “How are you feeling today?”. The answer to the first question is obvious—"not good". Asking “How are you?” is the same greeting you would offer to anyone else in passing, and it doesn't acknowledge that your friend or family member has suffered a devastating loss.
Make Time to Listen. A friend who listens even when the same story is told over and over is a great friend. Unless you are asked for your advice, don't be quick to offer it. Those who are grieving really wish others would just listen. It's your understanding, not your advice, that they most need.
Offer Hope. People who are going through grieving often feel alone and isolated. Offering hope is critical from their trusted group. While grieving and healing take time, reminding them that they are strong and that it will get better with time, acknowledges that there is no quick and easy solution, but it also says that you have confidence in them and that things will improve.
Expressions. Expressing sympathy can be tricky, even if well-intentioned. Phrases like “It's God's will", "It's for the best", or “They’re in a better place” are declarative sentences that are better left to be said by the person in grief.
Reach Out. Your friend or family member may need you even more after the first few weeks, months, and years when people usually stop asking. Check in every now and then and ask how they are doing with their grief journey. Most people in grief find it very difficult to reach out and need others to take the initiative.
Resources for Dealing with Grief
Support Groups in Riverside
Books/Journals On Grief and Grieving
Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss By Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler Foreword by Maria Shriver
I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One (A Compassionate Grief Recovery Book) By Pamela Blair & Brook Noel
How to Carry What Can’t Be Fixed: A Journal for Grief By Megan Devine
Numbers to Call
Calling 988 will connect you to a crisis counselor regardless of where you are in the United States.
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) HelpLine: 1-800-950-NAMI. Services available between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m., Monday–Friday
Text “HELPLINE” to 62640. Services available between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m., Monday–Friday
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